I mentioned at the beginning of the year I was considering setting up a patreon account and forgot to mention here that I started one a couple of months back, for both my artwork and my youtube channel(s). I was in two minds about it as I felt I didn’t really have a big enough “fan base” to warrant such a thing and because I felt largely uncomfortable about “asking” for money, but I figured if people wanted to support me they could, and if they didn’t then they didn’t have to. Nothing to lose, right? Anyway here is a video about my patreon and the stuff that I do. Feel free to watch (and hey, no pressure 🙂 )
I thought I would share this here as I’m trying to create more content for my art channel. I hope you enjoy. Feel free to subscribe 🙂
Once again, I haven’t really put a great deal of effort into blogging but I don’t wish to write something just for the sake of writing something. I’d rather post when I feel there is something that needs to be talked about or shared.
I’ve made no secret of my various mental health struggles; after all it’s a main component of this blog and many of my online ventures. However, I don’t like to go on and on about it because it feels like I’m just repeating myself and not really making any progress as such.
At the beginning of the year I felt it was time to reach out for help again as I hadn’t been seen by a professional for roughly a year and a half, and the last time I did have help I received 16 or so therapy sessions. It definitely provided me with a space to talk and explore, and offered ways of handling my various issues, but we didn’t have time to take that further and put any practical solutions in place. I suppose it was up to me to take the work we had done and figure the rest out for myself.
I had also not been offered any medication in that time. I had tried several anti-depressants which seemed to provide a temporary relief for a couple of weeks or so until the effects wore off. I had tried an anti-psychotic, quetiapine, which was perhaps one of the more effective medications, helping to remove some of the visual hallucinations (shadow people on a night), as well helping me get to sleep, but ultimately it stopped working and I came off it. As I had no communication with a psychiatrist at that time no other anti-psychotics were offered to me and I continued to just try the anti-depressants that my GP was allowed to prescribe.
So I visited my GP at the start of the year and tried to explain what was going on for me but as I struggle to speak (I know I “speak” very well when typing but formulating sentences vocally is challenging) I found it hard to really convey my experiences. She said she would refer me to the community mental health team, which she did, but as I recall I heard nothing back from them. I visited my GP again to explain and so she referred for a second time.
This time I heard back but the letter I received told me they would not see me as I didn’t fit their criteria. I was quite shocked by this and not sure what to make of it. How did I not fit their criteria? I always had done before. So it was another trip to the GP where I was told to contact the IAPT service instead. I wasn’t really aware of them or what they did but regardless I went through the self-referral process online but was instantly informed my needs were too great for their service. As I have a lot of anxiety about using the phone I couldn’t really bring myself to call them and ask why this was but after yet another trip to the GP I was told I needed to ring them. I can’t quite recall now actually ringing them but I do remember being on the phone to someone and them asking me a series of questions about what my issues were and what I was looking for. I mentioned my 10+ years of depression and hearing voices, being with an early intervention into psychosis team and the very vague diagnosis I was given of just “psychosis”. The woman I spoke to told me these issues were far greater than what their service could provide and that I really needed to seek help from the community mental health team. I told her I already had and was told I didn’t meet their criteria which seemed to confuse her, as it did me.
Another disheartening trek to the GP. She referred me again to the community mental health team and this time they agreed to see me. I believe I received an appointment within 1-2 weeks of the referral which I felt was pretty good. I spoke to two people during my assessment and tried to explain my situation and the various experiences I was having. I mentioned that both therapy and medication had proven to not be that effective in the past so I really wasn’t sure what I needed or what I was looking for but that I needed something because I was getting quite desperate and in all honestly was suicidal.
About a week later I got a letter and they simply mentioned other services I might want to try with no intention of them seeing me again. I struggled to figure out how I felt about this. I still don’t really know. One service allowed me 6 free counselling sessions so I ended up doing that. It provided me with a space to talk, and cry, and be open, which I certainly am thankful for but after the sessions were over both myself and the counsellor agreed I needed far more intensive treatment.
As you have probably already guessed this meant another visit to the GP where I mentioned the counselling sessions, my increased feelings of anger and a rather explosive meltdown I had that involved smashing up a few things, hysterics and telling people around me I believed this dimension wasn’t my home and I really just wanted to leave, and how several people during the meltdown had expressed concern and wanted me to go to hospital. My GP told me I didn’t warrant a hospital stay, or that I wasn’t in crisis enough, but she would find out about getting me another assessment and maybe medication. I felt feeling completely drained and sat outside the surgery for about an hour as I couldn’t find the energy to stand or make my way home. In fact I don’t think I could remember where home even was. I just needed to sit there until I could process things again.
So it hasn’t been that productive of a year and whats most infuriating is I feel I’m finally at a point where I want to do something with my life and work towards that, but the help I feel I need in order to do that just isn’t there and I don’t feel I am capable of making the right steps forward on my own. I’m half way through my 20’s, which yes I understand is still very young and I have time on my side, but I don’t want to spend another 5 years locked in my house, not feeling connected to people, lost in the voices and the things that I see that others don’t experience, combating chronic feelings of depression and anxiety and dissociation. I don’t want to be in my 30’s before I start to live.
Anyway, thats probably enough blogging. Will likely write again in another few months…
With it being mental health awareness month (and schizophrenia awareness day) I felt I needed to make another video discussing lucid dreaming and mental health, my experiences with using it for voice hearing and depression and how more research needs to be done.
I started learning how to lucid dream when I started college and found it to be quite a challenge. Here I discuss ways of making it easier as well as staying motivated to continue learning how to do it.
Its been a while again. Here is a little rotoscoped film i’ve been working on, hope you enjoy.
I have been a little lackadaisical in my attempts to write this blog, and I meant to write an update at the end of the year but forgot. With Team Lucid Dream taking off I’ve been more focused on making videos and restarting my own channel. I had a brief period on YouTube a couple of years ago but got too insecure and self conscious and took my videos down but now I’m more comfortable in how I present myself I’ve took to making videos with a new found enthusiasm. In terms of artwork I’m trying to get a book together and hopefully will be looking into publishing about April time. I will probably look to kickstarter to get it funded but I’ll have to think more about that when the time is nearer.
I was thinking of eventually doing a patreon for my YouTube channel when it picks up a bit but I’m in two minds about that. I understand people probably have loads of YouTubers they wish to support and don’t have the money to spare. And I am probably getting far too ahead of myself in assuming people would want to part with their cash for me.
I will provide links to my channel and TLD and any other places where I am more active.